Thursday, March 20, 2008

i recently feel that i had change alot... i dono why but i just feel that i'm not the gul that i used to be.. people change i know but for the better or worst only they know. but for me i feel that i had change into some what worst i guess... i can feel the changes in me and i start to think about what would i be like in another say 5 years time. i feel that within the time frame of just short 2 years (collage life) i had change so drasticly that i cannot believe it. there is good things that i had change and also the bad things. but of course like people say there is good and also there is bad. just that how you want to see it only when there is bad ther eis also good. there is just no other way. you cannot just keep the good and throw away the bad cause they come in the package.
i think the change started only recently maybe say since i join msc.. i feel that i had be less responsible over things already. that is not the image i want to potray to the juniors but dono somehow one way or another i don really care what is happening in the club anymore maybe that is why i'm less responsible. maybe this is what happen when you lost your passion for something which you really like and when you lost your passion everything just dissapear with it. lost of motivation to do anything.
i dono what is wrong with me but i feel that suddenly i lost interest in study. i lost interest in everything that i do. why is it like that. why had i lost interest? is it that i had lost the wheel that is moving inside of me? is it that i had lost sight on what is gona happen in the next 5 years? i really dono. all i know is that recently my head is bursting and nothing interest me anymore. this is one of the changes which i don want it to happen. i wish that someone would tell me what is happening to me.no one can tell me the problem why why is this happening to me? why....
what is wrong with me. i become so emotionless. last time i use to be so cheerful but now i feel so emotionless. nothing angers me nothing make me happy nothing make me sad. i'm just another walking machine which people think that i'm a high acheiver. can do almost everything that is assign to me. is it the msc thingy that is making me like that... if its so please tell what should i do. i do not want to continue to be like that. i want to continue to like that i study. i want to continue to get good grades. i want to continue to graduate with a distinction.....
i'm so lost and confuse...

lost in confusion
jasmin
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Monday, March 17, 2008

finally after excruciating months of desicion(actually only about 1 month but it seem like forever) i had decided to resign from the Metro Student Council as a vice president(curtin) and i'm going to officially hand in my resignation letter on wednesday. somehow i feel so much happier about it. i just cannot wait till that time time just another day from today. well i had finally let myself off the hook of an ineffiecient lousy and selfish leader. people around me had always ask me why jasmin why had you not resign? why you can put up with him for all the silly things that this arrogant leader had put you through. well so after must discussion with my fellow friends i had decided to leave.
well not only that surprissingly alot more people had plan to leave.with this i would leave with another 3 of my member. we are not going to hand the the letter at the same time but then about the same time. it is about 4 days different but then again 2 on weekends and 2 on public holiday so it is like 2 working days. i dono how is he gona react. maybe he feel that he had fought a lossing battle but then again i had once and again told him about what i think about the organisation and he did never want to listen to me. why... why is this person capable of being a leader. why cause of luck i had such "great" leader. well, actually come to think of it i had regret every single day why i had not taken control of the whole thing. why had i land myself up in such a misery. he had not earn my respect but demand for respect. this kind of respect can never last and therefore i had lost all my respect for him in every single action that he do every single word that he said.
that day was the collage orientation night. well grats jasmin you had once land yourself in hot soup. well let me tell you about it. i had been there that day about half an hour late (because i had to buy something for the decoration) he had not said hi to me and everything i tried to explain why am i late he never listen to me. fine so be it. so i end up sitting down and drink tea and see what i can help. so most of the time i spend time in the student department blowing balloons and cut some stars and etc. he would be in bad mood seeing me there laughing myself out (jealous maybe to see that i had a great time doing things) ask me to go out to help out in the concourse. and there i went to help out and what i see is there is no work for me to do. and therefore i ask what can i help. they say nothing. fine then let it be nothing. i sat at the concourse for sometime and went back to the student department to tied up the balloon. after a while, he slam the door and came in shouting (ot my junior of couse he never tlak to me) why is there no one in the concourse to help out with the work! and therefore once again i go to the concourse to find alot more people ther doing work. lol... i wonder what sort of things is he playing but all i know he is not happy with me nor is he talking to me.
somehow one way or another i feel that he is intimidated by me. lol maybe he thinks that i'm a more capable leader then he is and his ego just let in the way. well, i had not come to take over his position he can hug to his grave if he likes but i just want him to know what i think about this organisation how it would work. and why i think that the way he manage it had not work. he refuse to listen to me. fine...but this is a massage to him
to my dear leader,
i had never one day never respect you as a leader. even though i don respect you but somehow i respect the seat. i respect you as a president(even though that is because the other person din't want the post) but you are still the president. you had not think for the benefit of the club but think for yourself. you had not think about your members but think of the convience for yourself. you had not learn the way of how the organisation should had work. let me point out to you what i think you did that make the organisation down and why i had resign.
1) there is no sense of planning in any of your project *you had never plan ahead looking into what you expect and work towards those difficulties that you think you would face. there is simply no reason for you to plan right cause you said once and i never forget it you plan we work. dear president if one fine day you were to find a sucessful company with has no future planing no goal and still work please do let me know i would love to learn from them*
2) you had no respect for your members* you had never respect your members place and space. you expected them to be there are your convience like last minute notice to a meeting and you expect everyone to be there. how can you be like that. with this you had drain everyone energy when recieving your message. do you think that everytime i recieve your message i feel so energyless. yes you should try. and if you found any company that don plan meeting in advance like say 2days before hand unless really emergency please do let me know i would want to try and see how they do it.
3)there is no goal no motivation *dearest president you had provided no sense of direction, no goal and if you want people to work like you plan they do it is no point so pointless. people here all learn to plan to see what happen if they were to do such things what would happen. you had not listen to the members idea or opinion everything is you say they do. do you think it would create a sense of belonging? it would only create a sense of slavary. if you can find any company that is efficient that treat their employees like that please do let me know*
4) you don understand the meaning of hierarchy *don get me wrong with this. this doesn't mean that i would not do anything that is below me. you said that you everytime ask for volunteer but again do you understand why the post is there for. there is certain job scope for that certain people to do. so when there is a work to be done we should refer to the person that is at that certain position. but if only and if that person is not free then only should you ask for volunteer. if my respected president would find a sucessful company have such way of working things out please do let me know.

this is my final confrontation. be it you listen or not i would still be leaving you as i know there is no way that i can continue working with you.hope you can gain something from this.maybe you think i'm just below you and therefore i'm opinion is not valid so my dear president it is your choice

with love
jasmin
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Friday, March 14, 2008

today i sitting down in my dinning table as i was playing some of the music and i think about the trip to indonesia that i had been. it was a wonderful trip but i think the best lesson that i had learn here is not that how beatiful indonesia is but then a valuable lesson that i had learn. well you see i had been to indonesia and on the 3rd day i had been to a ophanage. this is the place where the parents do not want their children anymore. I can understand how do the parents feel as they do not have enough money to take care of their children. but then as i walk in to the place i feel that the place is ver comfortable and that the children there are more lucky then the ophan here in malaysia. I was surprise that the children are singing happily while waiting for school to start. as i see the little children i see that they are slightly deform. be it their looks or mentally deform. so poor thing. the parents had left their children cause they are deform and maybe it would seem as a burden to them. well but they are happy there i guess. there are alot of nurses there to help out to take care of those little kids. so after our photo session we went to give out mcdonald to them and there were really happy about it. i though that i had done a good deed. but then suddenly there is someone said hey we need more help here to feed the children.
i happily went there thinking that i had humble myself. i went in i saw those poor poor kids hand tied up having some mentally disable. they are not able to fend for them self. not able to eat by themself and therefore they need people to take care of them. the whole place really stink of some smell which i dono what is it. i excuse myself to wash my hand and somehow i feel i refuse to humble myself to help that poor kid have his lunch. then i start to think i'm so lucky to be able to play computer games to eat by myself and to go out and play to have my own entertainment. who am i? what happen if one day i'm like them? who would help me? and i force my self to be back in the house again and started with feeding them. i choose a goy who is actually 22 years old (same age as me just for the record) but he seem so much younger. the other person hold down his hand while i feed him mouth by mouth of rice and i realise that i had done it i had humbhle myself more. then when suddenly i feel all so calm i and happy there is this boy fall down on me. and i got this thinking" bloody hell you cannot sit nicely is it, how dare you touch me with your dirty body, how dare you learn on my clean and nice hand." but then again as i was thinking about it i saw this boy not able to sit properly. then i slowly help him to sit up feeling that actually i had not done enough i still have a pride within me that i'm a higher class them those poor young adults inside. but then who are we. are we actually different class then them? sitting while thinking actually i think not. we are the same class a human class a class that is capable of thinking of acting on our own. but just because they are abit unlucky that their brain part is abit under develope that they have to rely on us (the brain more develope) people to help them to feed them to clean for them. I look around i see those nurses around. there are worth of my respect. they had taken care of those people day and night. cleaning them, taking care of them.
we actually as human should be humble and help those that are less fortunate. only with helping and seeing those that are less fortunate only we would feel that we are more fortunate then the rest of the world. only through this method that you would be able to realise how lucky you are and you would be more then happy to be who you are. you would learn to count your blessing then to count your short coming. if i were to be able to do such things for once every single month i think i would be the most happiest and the richest person on earth. happy cause i learn to count my blessing rich because i am able to do alot of things that other people would not be able to do. by that time, the latest model of handphone, latest computer, branded clothes, shoes and handbag is not important anymore.

with love
jasmin
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Thursday, March 13, 2008

it had been about 6 months since i last became the president of CSO. I had infact is the last president of CSO as they (the collage) had decided to close down the club. well, the collage at first had problem to find people to continue the MSC (metro student council) post. which i think is hard for them also as our student is not relaly active. but anyway i had infact decided to go in to MSC for the benefit of my little junior which they would feel lost ( i think ) without me inside it. I feel like i would want to lead them to be a better student or person and seriously by joinin activity they can improve on it.
But then evenr since i had been installed as the vice president of the MSC i though that i would face new challange and find something much more fulfilling in it then in CSO and that i would be able to learn much more and develop myself much more then before, but i had never infact be really happy ever since i had join it. I had infact started to make enermy with certain people. i had been thinking really hard maybe if i can talk to the president (which is actually not the president that we had selected "long story") then maybe togather we can work out a strong club and run it like i had infact had in mind how a club would be. but sadly things don turn out the way it had. everything that he leader do it is last minute work and seriously i don think that such important club would work out in all this last minute things. but anyway he insisted that it would work. well ok we have it his way. in 2 weeks into my semester i had feel that he had drain me completely from my energy without feeding me with new challange without feeding me motivation without caring for me( and other poeple i guess). i feel so drain out so tired. everytime it would be last minute and everything would have to throw one side to accomodate him.
well he said that as a top student leader we must be committed. well my dear friend comitted i also have a limit as MSC is not the only thing in my life. i cannot be there 24 hours on stand by waiting for you to call for me. i'm so sorry thats the thing i cannot do. you had not respect me a single bit and therefore you don earn my respect. People inside there is looking at you as a leader they are expecting you to lead them to teach them things that they do not know and in return you learn from them. But what have you done your sentence is always in my mind"i plan you all do". Thanks alot that is just the type of leader that i need.
well listen here i had enough of you already. you can be wat ever type of leader you like but i can tell you that you are draining all your members energy without feeding them motivation. you would kill everyone inside the club. maybe you might see what you want to see now and think that the club is about you. but your ego of refusing to listen for the past 2 times (or maybe your brain cannot process what i really mean) will kill the club. but anwyay i would like to hand in my resignation letter tomorrow. may you accept my letter with grace. May i bless you to gain sudden enlightenment of how a leader should be. maybe you should take a look at some stories about leader.

We plan we lead
we gain credit we take the blame
togather we are a team
in a club there is no such thing as a solonist.

with metta
jasmin
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Seeing Stars

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