Thursday, September 27, 2007

recently i dono why bt i do feel very down... do not ask me... it is a holiday but somehow i feel that going to collage might be better... recent i also do not know
Holiday is like rushing off to finish your work and i have a pile of work that has not been touch and i know that i'm in trouble... i don want anymore... i want to give up my president place is too much pressure... it is killing me... i had no support from anyone... i do not know what to do... i do not know if i can build the club... where is my spirit of building the club... i understand the pressure that matt had gone through now... feel like crying but no place to cry...
I wonder where are my friends... why why it seems like this 3 months i got no friends... where have they gone? they do not want me anymore? maybe... maybe i had never been a good friend to them... so how? i got no friends...
I want to give up... give up my homework there is almost no way i can finish my work... i'm tired down by so much responsibility who is gona help me? is like alot of authority but again power come with great responsibility... who is gona help me... i dono i think no one... they might seem to look at me like i can handle anything that falls down... but can i? i'm just a normal human not a super individual there is a limit on what i can take in... and i think i take in more then what i can handle...
my relationship... i'm so confuse... maybe is just me... got a bf like no bf... so far away.. far far away... just want to try something different like having breakfast and i got all sort of complain like say being force to wake up this early to come out... force... lol what a word force to come out see me... complain of lousy breakfast... complain of everything that is there... complain that he will be sleepy... i haven seen him for whole week and i know he is busy... just wake up 1 hour earlier does it hurt him... just be with me for one hour does it really does that kind of hurt so much... i dono what to do anymore... it feels like there is no support from him...i'm supporting myself and him as well... i'm carrying 2 weight on me... can i handle it... can my body handle it... he said i don understand him but how much have a find out about me... my recent responsibilities... have he even ask about it.. have he even try to help me out... answer is a clear no...
i want to get away... go shopping... one day just me and some girl friends... but once again who is free... no one... i guess i'm the only one free in this world... i don feel like doing anything so get out of my life... |

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

since when was the last time i went to a hospital. a very long time ago.... so long that i don remember the smell of the place, the people rushing in and out, people linning up to get their medicine. its been a long time since then... So long that i forgot why my ambition were to be a doctor when i was young.

Still remembering the time when i was so young i was so small and thin that everyone that see would say that how come i'm this thin and was even scare to carry me up for breka ing my bone. My fate when i was young was horrible i had to go to the hospital every 3 years to do some stiches. not that it is meant to be like that but coinsidently the accident happen every 3 years. Still remembering the time when i stay in the hospital for the whole entire 1 month for breaking my arm.

During the time there, i saw what i wanted to be... a pretty doctor that would help people off their suffering. to help people that is in need my help. i want to go to those places where there is lack of medical facilities and everything like that to help tho9se that in need of my help.... its been a long time since i went to a hospital..... its been a long time since i remember why that was my first ambition.

nevertheless i never stop at helping people and i was thinking in the start that if i cannot be a doctor i can study medicine and create medicine like that people would also need me and i can help alot of people to stay alive... slowly i realise that i'm not fit for any of those and then i come to my mind that i would want to be an engineer. but then i always ask myself. what can i do if i be an engineer i said:" i can help those udner develope country to bring them the benefit of modernisation." therefore i wanted to study that. slowly i went into form 6.... and i realise that i cannot be an engineer..... i ask myself why in the first place i wanted to be an engineer.... answer come out and then i wanted to be an accountant not because that is most appealing to me but cause my father as an accountant for many years would be able to help me in my future.

Today once again i step in to the hospital smell the medicine smell, see the people rushing away to get all the help they can get and once again i realise my ambition when i was young. this is what had motivated me to be a doctor. but now... i'm studying accountancy what can i do to help people..... what can i do.......

All this years i had slowly forgot what i want to be and the reason why i had that ambition.... slowly it had been wash away by the fact that i'm not smart enough in one way or another and also the fact that i need alot of money in the fuiture to keep me surviving. And slowly my wish of being who i want to be when i was young got wash away........ |

Saturday, September 22, 2007

up dating my links.... |